By Design: The Mother-Child Invitation to Freedom

It was June 2009 and I was in the Himalayas, at the Sivananda Ashram in Uttarkashi. The Swami Govindananda, the monk who was our head teacher shared something with us that I will never forget. Why? Because it made some sense then and makes more and more sense as the years go by.

We were having a conversation about mantra.

Etymologically, mantra means that which frees the mind. Man= Mind and Tra= To Free

A mantra is a powerful energy encased in a sound structure. When we repeat a mantra, and devote ourself to its practice, it slowly erodes, explodes, and transforms limiting thought energy which leads to shifts in perception and action, and therefore changes our lived reality.

For some reason, Swami G, asked us if we knew what putra means. Being Indian, I said, "Yes, progeny". He asked me if I noticed a similarity between mantra and putra. I noticed both ended in tra i.e to free.

Swami G went on to explain to us that we choose our parents based on the conditions we and they need to evolve. "You can change a partner or friend or spouse", he said, "but never your parents." If you hate your parents or love your parents, the truth is you can't change the reality that they are your parents.

The etymology of pu has to do with auspiciousness. Conventionally, we are conditioned to associate auspiciousness with good events that bring abundance or make us feel good. In the yogic tradition, there is no hierarchy. The opportunity to evolve through a challenge is as auspicious as the evolution itself.

So what does this mean, practically?

• as a mother or parent, your child may trigger unresolved patterns within you, which will come across as friction in relationships. You may want your child to not be a certain way and when you look deeply you may find that they are repeating a pattern you have or saw in your parents that you believe is not beneficial. We may want them to learn from or avoid our mistakes, forgetting their journey is their own and our job is to guide and listen and always be there but not be the driver of their life.

• as an adult child, unresolved issues with parents and therefore within yourself often repeat in relationships with partners, bosses, and friends. In my 1:1 work with clients, I see how strongly these unresolved emotions present themselves in relationships with food, ancestors, the womb, wanting to have children or not, relationships with money, pleasure, sex, and more.

As I write this, I recall a quote from Ram Dass "If you think you are enlightened, go and spend a weekend with your family." It really is such a practical litmus test for growth.

So what is the solution?

As I understand it, the job of the adult, or the act of becoming an adult is when the blame, shame, guilt, and story loops stop. We take responsibility for who we are and how we are. It's not about fixing ourselves or our parents, trying to help them heal (Trust me I've spent decades trying all combinations and methods for these). We must feel again the uncomfortable unresolved experiences of our childhood in our bodies. Sometimes they were so intense, that we numbed ourselves to feeling them and don't even remember them. There are processes, such as co-meditation to help bring those up. They do involve discomfort often for a while. They involve a willingness and often the deeper the desperation to not live in the same way, the greater the coming into wholeness (healing).

When these sensations are processed, the stories of what we didn't receive from our parents (and allied stories), lose charge. We stop expecting partners to provide what our parents didn't or did. We feel a palpable inner power leading us to clarity. That power is a sense of responsibility, a knowing that I am the master of my destiny. It cannot be coerced, bought, or hacked into.

When this happens, and often in stages over decades, each time this happens, and the adult child shifts, their parents, especially mothers, with whom we are so deeply connected, energetically shift. A lightness and ease become present and we live the gift of putra, the progeny that gives opportunity for freedom.

Photo Credits: Sachan Blackburne

Several years ago, a song came to me in meditation, tune, and all, a complete download. It took form in 5 beautiful children singing it and a music video crown sourced from mammas and kids from India and the Indian diaspora around the world.

The words flow from putra

"You are my maa, my mama, you are my mummy, my ammi, of all the mothers in the world, I chose you, mummy, I love you."

Remember you chose your mother for the purpose of your evolution. How you act from this understanding makes the difference.

Listen to the whole song here

Listen to the lullaby version by Inna Kazakova of Cayman Music School with baby slings by Cuddle and Care here