I set out to write this blog post, clear about what I wanted to share. After all, self-love is non-negotiable to me. It was not something that came easily, but once it arrived as a consistent experience, the change was immutable and irreversible.

As I searched for an image to go with this post, I noticed two things

• every image that came up around self-love was some kind of self-care or beauty ritual

• there were no images of men. Even when I typed self-love man all I got was men shaving themselves or men being loved by women or holding them!

I'll leave you to think about it.

So if self-love isn't self-care through beauty rituals, then what is it? And is it so intangible that there are no images of it? Perhaps our conditioning around it limits us from even daring to discover what it is.

I used to think self-love was treating myself when I achieved a goal or received validation from someone and felt good about myself. I used to think self-love was in direct proportion to external validation. I was so wrong.

All that changed when I began my journey with Yogā and subsequently with Āyurveda. The first day I was taught the 5 non-negotiables. Want to know what they are? Read on...

The 5 Non-Negotiables

• Proper Exercise

• Proper Breathing

• Proper Diet

• Proper Relaxation

• Positive Thinking and Meditation

That's it, that's all you need. It can take years to unpack the "proper" or "optimal" part of these 5, or you can just follow the systematic algorithmic flow of Yogā and Āyurveda(which do not oppose modern medicine but go beyond them).

These do look like "things to do", a checklist if you will.

So why these 5 non-negotiables? What do they have to do with self-love?

Love in its higher form cannot exist without safety and trust.

What is safety and trust in our body physiologically?

• knowing it will be fed when it is hungry. Fed real foods that support its functions and do not add digestive overload.

• receive rest when it is tired AND when it's designed to (circadian rhythm alignment is key)

• knowing its signals of bio-feedback, its communication is felt, heard, and seen through a strong interoceptive sense. (Access a free interoception meditation)

• the mind is at ease, meaning there is no chronic hyper-arousal of the limbic brain and amygdala activity

• that it can have space to breathe (notice how when we can't manage stress we literally say "I had no time to breathe")

Now, think about yourself as a person in a relationship with another.

In a relationship, love feels the same. I want to feel like

• My hunger/ natural human needs for touch, appreciation, and communication are met

• I have space to rest and don't need to keep doing something so I can earn or hold on to love

• My non-verbal signals are sensed by my partner and lovingly acknowledged or attended to

• I feel safe communicating what's on my mind, I feel a loving non-judgmental space and support

• I have space to discover and grow together and separately from my partner

When any of these are "chronically" missing in a relationship, there is a depletion of energy, safety, trust, and love.

Why then do we treat ourselves differently? Why then do we expect others to give us what we don't give ourselves?

AND

What would happen in the body-mind-spirit context if we took care of our needs, not based on convenience or desperation but as a steady non-negotiable?

The ancient sciences of Yogā and Āyurveda and now functional and integrative medicine and neuroscience are telling us that our mental states are dependent on our physiological states. Quality sleep is elusive when your mental state, encompassing the brain, nervous system, and hormonal functions, are not at ease. Sleeping beyond the time of nature's circadian rhythms disrupts sleep and changes in eating from leptin-ghrelin cycles. I could go on...

When the 5 non-negotiables are taken care of, the experience changes in the system. A complete rewiring takes place. Self-love is tangible as an experience. It doesn't become something to treat yourself to, something you have to postpone for when you have time, go on vacation, get a promotion, retire (you know the drift). It's like brushing your teeth, you don't make a song and dance about it. You know it works, you just do it!

I'll keep sharing about the nuances of the 5 non-negotiables from time to time here and on social media. Today, I invite you to ponder this post, introspect, and most importantly, take clear consistent action in at least one domain of the 5 non-negotiables. What will it be? Share in the comments below.

PS: Did you know that taking care of the 5 non-negotiables especially starting with proper diet will improve gut function and therefore let you access your "gut instinct"? This is not only according to Āyurveda but also according to neuroscientist Dr. Tara Swart. Having a good gut instinct frees time and space spent on decision-making.

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Read more about interoception in this collaborative article by neuroscientist Dr. Abha Rajbhandari and me.

Download a Free interoception meditation to develop the sense that neuroscientists say is key to optimal immune, metabolism, and mental states.

Yoga Nidra guided audio practices for rest, sleep and inner awakening.